Why Women Can't Have It All... Or Can They?

I just stumbled upon Glamour.com's recently-published article: Why The Woman Who 'Has It All' Doesn't Really Exist'.

'Why Women Can't Have It All, According To Barnard College President Debora L. Spar', though, is the title that actually appeared on my Facebook newsfeed and one that drew me in.

Barnard, in case you didn't know, is Columbia's all-women sister school— I went to Columbia, only reason I know. I was curious to see what this Barnard president had to say, expecting something empowering and inspirational. Something on the lines of: 'Feeling down about yourself? [Yes]. Don't feel bad because it's an ideal/unrealizable goal anyway. [...Ok, but that's not what Facebook is telling me...].

The article's headlining photo is a woman dressed as Wonder Woman running in New York City's midtown with a hoard of other women running after her trying to keep up.

As you can see, the woman is 'svelte', 'scantily-clad', hair so thick 'like Beyonce', beautiful enough to be in Glamour's publication, and, actually, real. How appropriate. Does she, the model, have it all..? Clearly, I'm missing the point but the image is loud, hard-to-miss, and relevant. No?

Spar touches on major life areas— self-image, marriage, motherhood, and career— pointing out despite womens' increasing freedom, we are pin-holing ourselves into a greater misery than when we were suppressed. She writes, 'Feminism was meant to remove a fixed set of expectations; instead, we now interpret it as a route to personal perfection. Because we can do anything, we feel as if we have to do everything. In other words, women today face towering expectations: a pileup of the roles society's long heaped on us, plus the opportunities feminism created.'

On this note, Spar has a point. While feminism has opened a lot of doors, at the same time, it has also increased the pressure to achieve more. But is that a bad thing? And is striving for more the same as trying to be perfect? It's one thing to beat yourself up over things you can't necessarily control like finding your soulmate or even landing your dream job— yeah, that's not HealthyButJuicy— but it's another thing to blast others for trying to reach their goals and criticizing 'Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect'.

Because what about the writer/speaker herself? Spar is the president of 'arguably the most important all-women’s college in the United States', or at least that's what is touted on her book's description on Amazon.com. She is a mother of three, is married to a husband whom she 'adores', and engages in the daily 'burden' of keeping up appearances by spending about 282 hours per year on beauty (unlike the noted, average 30hrs/year compared to men).

It's funny. She shares...
On beauty: 'Any magazine rack confirms our obsession with one scantily clad celebrity after another... As a requirement for success, beauty becomes just another burden.' Huh? Why is this woman publishing her thoughts in Glamour of all places?— a woman's 'guide to the latest fashion trends, outfit ideas, hair + makeup how-tos, and celebrity scoop', and where the focus is all about beauty and 'burden'.

On marriage: 'Marry someone you love and like; finding a person who doesn't care if you're perfect is a good start.' You hear that ladies?! Stop wasting your time on douche-bags you don't even like. Duh. It's easy as finding a box of fiber cereal for breakfast, a great way to start the day. Try the supermarket?

On motherhood: 'Now we've set the standard that if you can become a biological mom—by spending exorbitantly and undergoing endless medical procedures—then you should. Is that liberating? To me, it feels like another way women have to be perfect or, in this case, perfectly fertile.' Ouch. Let's seriously hope her infertile 'friend' doesn't see that comment...

On work: 'Professional women are frequently asked, "How do you do it?" I hate the query, because doing it all, as is expected of women today, is not doable.' But seriously, how did she do it?

Her conclusion: 'The most crucial thing for women to know today? No one does it all. We each, if we're lucky, will have our chance to leave a mark on the world, but we are trying too hard to be perfect. So don't emulate Wonder Woman; think about what's wonderful to you instead. Then boldly, audaciously, joyfully, leave the rest behind.'

In other words, 'You'd be lucky if you have any impact in this world. Stop trying to be like me. And just settle.'

HealthyButJuicy thinks otherwise.

On beauty: To reiterate MissGlamorazzi's philosophy, 'Makeup is a supplement, not a requirement.' Other than maintaining acceptable hygiene (ie. showering), if you adhere to a beauty routine that feels burdensome, stop it. Use the time to work on your inner beauty.

On love: Source


On motherhood: However you became a mother— through sex, adoption, or one of the 'at least 15 additional ways.. none of which involve sex'— makes you no less of a woman nor crazy.


On being a homemaker: Spar referred to the toils of having to make this dish— Harvest Vegetable Pancakes With Greens and Goat Cheese via Martha Stewart's Everyday Day Food magazine. This is yet another case and point about the author and reason to question how relevant what she is saying is to the average consumer/woman/reader. Who makes vegetable pancakes with beets, carrots, potatoes, and chickpeas? From scratch? Seriously. Who? At the risk of sounding controversial, people who are health-conscious might. People who have the time might. People who are highly educated are the most likely. Time and time again, studies show folks with higher education tend to be healthier. It's an unfortunate disparity but one that still has not yet been bridged. Moreover, it doesn't help when leaders in our educational field don't help, or even make the gap wider with garbage to sell.

On work: There will always be someone out there who is better than you. Likewise, though, there will always be someone out there who lacks your talent. But who even cares? It's not about them, it's about you.

The HealthyButJuicy conclusion: Like everything you hear about health, take what Spar is saying with a grain of salt and always ask questions. Is she a reliable source of information? What will you do differently (if anything) and, ultimately, will your actions make you a better, happier version of you?

All in all, women can't always get what they want. That much is true. Neither can men. But does that necessarily and automatically restrict your ability to be happy, to have drive, to be HealthyButJuicy, or to have it 'all'?

I'm single and unemployed. I lost 10 years of my life to illness, and friends and career-building time along with it. I have this beautiful sunshine I call daughter and the most amazing mother that is an angelic warrior who loves me. I smile. And I laugh. It's not a perfect life nor am I expecting it to be but I kinda feel like I do sorta have it all... Is that crazy?

What're your thoughts? On Spar's opinions, article on women, perfectionism, and having it 'all'? Share below in the Comments and/or Tweet us your thoughts. We'd love to hear!

Happy Healthy Juicy Women! HealthyButJuicy believes in you! xoxo :>

Getting & Sharing the Lowdown

In the April 2010 issue of Men’s Health Magazine (UK Edition), staff member Alex Harris *personally* goes ‘on assignment’ to do some in-depth reporting. His story feature? High-class orgies.

He researches group sex parties, participates in one with success, then another with fail, then another without fail—‘success’ and ‘fail’ used loosely. He writes about his experience and what he gained [and lost] from it.

I’m sort of dumbstruck by it all.

I admit it made for an interesting read and enough so for me to write about it, so the magazine is obviously doing its job in that respect, but...

How is a story like this assigned? Having an inexperienced protagonist tell the story is advantageous as it allows the reader to better relate, but where is the line drawn between writer and.. prostitute? The feature itself even noted that group sex is legal [in the UK] if all are consenting and unpaid but different laws apply if payment is involved. Harris wasn’t paid by other participants but, on the other hand, was for participating—how else could he have written the story? Does that count?

Entertainment aside, what was the moral of the story, if any? Harris does write about the disconnect and slight remorse afterwards but seems to revel in his last tryst and doesn’t make clear what the charm is third time around—will [or has] he continue[d] even after the article’s been printed or will his last experience remain the last? It’s not for me to say with whom and how many at a time this guy should be having sex with but if the magazine is really that popular [google: ‘men’ or ‘men uk’] and then publishes somewhat of an endorsement of this activity, then there are words to be dropped—social responsibility are two of them.

At the forefront of my mind on the subject matter was safety, but no where in his ventures does he mention protection or even consideration thereof. The only disease he does worry about, however, is addiction. Addiction?! Addiction. That’s what he’s worried about. ..take that as you will.

The feature reminded me of a similar story I read just months earlier. Pamela Druckerman (a former journalist for the Wall Street Journal) published a piece in Marie Claire on what she got her husband for his 40th birthday: a threesome. She describes the process of finding someone and the actual experience but, aside from worrying about the planning, also fails to mention use or even concern of protection in the act. She does, though, conclude:

I'm left feeling unsettled. I can't wait to shower. Sadly, I'm more conventional than I'd thought. In theory, I didn't mind sharing my husband for an afternoon. In practice, I was shaken up. I wasn't bored; I was bothered.

What ever happened to good ole monogamy? And what’s with these adventurist types? Why can’t they seek risk elsewhere, in other things like..
   - Leaving the house without an umbrella on a very dark and cloudy day?.. or..
   - Getting in the express line with more than 10 items?.. or..
   - Eating school food for lunch? ..Just to see what it’s like..

The cost, in comparison, for the latter at least, would be less than $2 versus perhaps a lifetime of STD(s), trauma, or worse, early death.

I’m just sayin’..

Bodies Can Support Image, Just Not Life.

It’s been reported (reliability of source, unknown) that Posh Spice, aka. Victoria Beckham, is trying to beef up, sans beef, but with starchy carbs because she’s trying to get preggers. They’re supposedly trying for a girl this time. Her and her soccer player husband, David, have three boys at the moment.

This post has been looming in the back of my mind for a while and it seems like this is as appropriate a time as ever to bring up the issue, which is… housing. ..of babies-to-be.

I started noticing a somewhat dramatic trend in Hollywood a while back— an increasing number of celebrities were giving birth to multiples. And I’m not talking about Octomom or Kate Gosselin. But consider Angelina Jolie and Marcia Cross, amongst others, both are mothers of twins.


And then there’s Giuliana Rancic—do you know her? In case you don’t, she’s the co-host of E! News with Ryan Seacrest, ‘reporter’ for celeb events, and, as of recent, star of (yet another) reality show. Because of her latest role, she’s made it public that she’s trying to get preggers. She even went on The View to talk about it:

"[The doctor] said [I should gain] 5-10 pounds, which I know isn't a big deal and if you want to have a baby you should do whatever it takes… I had to bite that bullet. You have to understand something. I work out everyday of my life, I love feeling good, waking up, working out. I finally did gain the 5 pounds. We're working on more."

So how do you think she’s doing?             [comment box is below].
(The pic on the left is from June ’09. The pic on the right is from March ’10.)






It’s been about a year [?] since she’s been trying and still no ‘luck’ (nor excess calories, it seems). Her stint on The View apparently also didn’t turn out so well. The day after...

Whoopie said: "It's not like she's an actress; she's on the red carpet, so she should gain the weight."
Giuliana’s retort? "Because I'm a reporter, I'm held to a different standard than an actress? It's almost like she puts actresses on a pedestal. I thought that was the most ridiculous statement I've heard on that show in a very long time."

In other words: 'It’s not fair! Why are they allowed to be skinny and I’m not??’


Please, tell me now what’s really ridiculous..

..in the meanwhile, I’ll tell you what’s not fair:

• 1 in 5 women struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating.
• Eating disorders affect up to 24 million Americans.
• At least 50,000 individuals will die as a direct result of an eating disorder.
• The diet and diet related industry is a 50 billion dollar a year enterprise.
• One study found that over 1/2 the females between the ages of 18-25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat, and 2/3 surveyed would rather be mean or stupid.
• If today's mannequins were actual human women, based on theoretical body fat percentages, they would probably cease to menstruate.
The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness, (2010 Apr 06).


…o, and one last one:

Everyday men, women, children, and adolescents are bombarded with images of women like Angelina, Posh, and 'G', (who may or may not be menstruating), and duped into believing that that is healthy and beautiful.